Dignifying The Undignified

Recently a lady reportedly attracted public attention when she parked her car on the 3rd Mainland Bridge Lagos and jumped in the lagoon. It was pathetically incredible that she took her life. Initially the reason for the suicide was unknown but a day or so after an unconfirmed report went viral that the unknown lady killed herself because her lover reportedly posted their nude pictures online over an argument over $100k he borrowed from her which he refused to give back when she requested for it. Worse still her husband got wind of her secret affairs and he decided to query the paternity of their three children and discovered they were not his. This led her to commit suicide.

It’s a clear case of adultery turn sour. The boyfriend kissed and tell. He published nude pictures of himself and his married girlfriend when the going was good. The unsuspecting girlfriend seemed madly in love with a traitor boyfriend who would not stop at anything to destroy his partner in crime. She must have trusted him too much to do business involving thousands of dollars with him. He later ditched and refused to communicate with her. She sent him a voice message to express her disappointments in his actions and how troubled she had been since he stopped talking to her. The guy posted the voice recording on the social media together with their nude pictures. The height of the saga is the lady killed herself to save her face and dignity in an undignified way.

Why did she have to kill herself and leave her three children at the mercy of others to grow up and survive in this wicked world? Is any man worth sacrificing so much for? Your life happiness and the poor innocent children? Why was she living two lives and still lacked the discernment to know which is better? Her marriage or the affair?

Without jumping to conclusion something must have prompted the extra marital affair which she possibly bottled in and decided to seek solace in another man’s company and thought she wouldn’t be found out! But unfortunately karma caught up with her. The heartless lover decided to have a field day by posting the nude pictures of himself and the girlfriend online.

She would have saved her dignity if she had walked away from the presumable unhappy marriage before getting involved with the lover boy. Then she would have had the freedom to enjoy her life the way she deemed fit but without posing nude stupidly with any man. She would have lived to mother her children. She would have had her life most importantly.

Yet the genesis of this tragedy needs to be mentioned which is the love affair or relationship that went bad. Condition which is not peculiar to the lady in question but to other women too. They  face problems in their relationships which if not handled and resolved nicely on time could escalate out of proportion and possibly result in fatality.

My advice is if your marriage or relationship is going through tough time go for counselling with your partner. Look into what causes the problems and try to amend. Avoid seeking advice  from friends or family members because you might not benefit from them. Be patient understanding and considerate in all situations. Be focused and think positively as you anticipate a happy friendly and loving relationship  with your partner.

Most importantly it is good to cherish dignity by avoiding behaviours that could tarnish it. Respect yourself and your children so as to live comfortably happy in the society and amongst friends and family. And suicide or an abrupt termination of life is an undignified way of saving one’s dignity when the unexpected happens.


Children’s Day Celebration

It’s a worthy celebration indeed to celebrate our children. Yes to celebrate the gifts of God to us. Children are priceless gifts to the parents to love and to cherish. And most importantly our children are our responsibilities.

The parental responsibilities start from inception when both parents must ensure the pregnancy develops into a healthy baby. Healthy babies are born by parents who fed well during pregnancy, drank no alcohol or took drugs, followed doctors advice and instructions.

It’s part of parental love to ensure children are nurtured well into good health train them morals at home through our own good behaviours because parents are the mirror that children copy from. In effect parents who speak rough language fight like lion and are disrespectful to others are invariably training their children to turn out like them and even worse.

Candidly to be a parent is not an easy job. It takes everything one has to produce good and worthy children. These include your time money energy  attention and most importantly LOVE.

When children are babies we suffer sleepless nights. When they are learning to sit crawl and walk we watch them closely to ensure they don’t fall or hurt themselves. We accompany them to school and monitor their progress to ensure they don’t fall into bad companies or be academically retarded by attending parents evening to view the teachers’ reports and advice for progress.

In conjuntion with the above we introduce them to God through church or the mosque. Sex education later became necessary because we don’t want them to suffer unwanted pregnanies directly or indirectly. And on and one goes the parental care and worries.

Invariably children too don’t find growing up easy especially with discipline and training. And until they attain the age of 18 years and nearly out of the high school they remain the parents’ responsibilities. In Africa it is believed our children are our responsibilities till old age.

However parental joy start to manifest when the children achieve academically secure good jobs and live meaningful lives as members of the community. Parents then feel proud for the job well done on their children’s upbringing.

But is the road that smooth to ply for parents to produce good children that they can be proud of? Definitely no. Globally life has changed. Bad economy has made some parents to shelve some of their responsibilities to chase after money. They are not there to monitor their children who out of the laxity grew up on the streets to learn bad behaviour or are influenced by peers. Society plays its part in making children believe life can be easy with or without doing the necessary. For example the prosperity preaching pastors can mislead children by telling them that their life would change miraculously from nothing to something without working. The politicians who take advantage of our unemployed youths to turn them into political thugs are not being fair to these young people’s upbringing and progress. The teachers or lecturers seeking sex from female students in exchange for marks are destroying the lives of those unserious or academically poor girls. Worst still the government is not helping to manage the economy well or provide for the masses or do the needful on the national indiscipline which rub directly or indirectly on families.

Nevertheless children all over the world deserve to be celebrated. And irrespective of what some of them are facing negatively now am using this medium to tell them that there’s light after the tunnel and to have hope for a brighter future. Their hopes deserve to be raised because it’s not their fault to lack good upbringing. But it’s important to mention that hope can be raised if they make efforts to improve their circumstances by opening new chapters of life. New chapters to attend trainings of all sorts to gain meaningful life in future.

To those children who have been obedient and endured parental trainings I say a big congratulations. Well done to those parents who stood by their children through thick and thin and didn’t abandon their responsibilities.


Who Am I?

I am bolanle Onagbesan. Am 64 years old with 42 years of marriage. My marital experience coupled with my observations of what goes on between the people in relationship and marriage negatively has encouraged me to write on issues in relationship and offer advice on how to overcome them in the National newspapers in Nigeria i.e The defunct Sunday Sketch and the Sunday Tribune.  These are based on using personal experiences and other people’s to offer advice and encourage a healthy happy and lasting relationship to the couples undergoing problems.

I have worked as Social Care Worker in the UK dealing with the issues in Children and Families section of the Department of Social Services where I was able to use my writing skills to document my observations of issues in the clients’ families and offer advice to move the families forward to better living conditions.

My other skills acquired as a mother wife and writer include attentive listening empathy ability to observe situations in a NON judgemental manner working independently and as a member of a team. Also I am patient considerate loving caring and unassuming. Thes qualities I believe are necessary for a successful marriage or relationship.

I feel worried reading online about increase in separations divorce and worse the trend in the killings between married couples and I believe I could use my marital experiences to offer solutions to the problems through blogging.


Domestic Helps – Necessary Evil

Recently in Nigeria the reports of domestic staff killing their masters or stealing valuables from them is going viral. A few years back it was reported that a university professor was brutally killed by his cook and gate keeper who drove away with his luxurious car which they intended to sell. Another watsaap video showed a house maid who stole and hid an expensive gold chain in her vagina. And a maid in a desperate bid to escape being handed over to the police after she was caught stealing red handed reportedly hit her mistress with a bottle several times on the head while she slept. The mistress went into coma. From various other incidents observed online and the TV reports the domestic staff seem not interested in the job but what they could grab and disappear with here and there from different masters. Those that don’t end in fatality I will term grace.

Domestic helps all over the world are necessary in the house to take care of the home children and the elderly parents who are too fragile to cope alone. Due to the incessant perpetrating of evils by the domestic staff caution are being taken by the masters to ensure fatality don’t happen by registering domestic staff with the local police station. Medically domestic staff are tested for Aids and other serious contagious illness before being employed.

Invariably those employing domestic staff are not that careless still they can’t seem to beat their employees. The thieves amongst them searched the house for valuables in the absence of the employers. Some of the children in the care of house maids were reportedly abused. Yet the employers needed to work too to survive. Domestic staff are necessary evil.

Monitoring with the CCTV camera can deter encroachment abuse and violence by the domestic staff. Keep valuables away out of reach. And before employing them check their work history very well. Still employers need to keep it in mind that the domestic staff have different agenda that is very difficult to beat. But most importantly playing safe around them is very important.


Women Worthy of Celebration

It is great that women all over the world are celebrated today. Why the celebration? How important are women to be worthy of the celebration? What role do they play in society and at home to be worthy of the celebration? Obviously people around the globe must have recognised some important qualities in women to choose a day to celebrate them. Nevertheless the bible tells us in Gen 2 v 18 that God reportedly said ‘it is not good for man to be alone; I will make him a helper COMPARABLE to him’. The word comparable explains the importance of women in men’s life. So it’s is pertinent to say women are equal to men in reasonings skills capability and whatever qualities one can think of and more particularly in home keeping and management rearing children companionship helper adviser and comforter. Thus in a way women are nation builders and without them nothing that men do can be possible.  God identified women’s importance  in the world before He created them. Kudos to women. Happy International Women’s Day.